My heart has been broken a lot lately. Maybe not completely broken...more like an aching that has deepened over time.
I just got off the phone with a mom of a sixth grader. And let me tell you how my heart aches for this mom and her daughter. It is not aching because they are starving-they're not. It's not because they don't know Jesus-they definitely do. And it's not because they're in danger-because they aren't. It is because I see myself in that beautiful sixth grade girl. I think I caught a small glimpse of what my mother went through, and how she felt, when I was in middle school. (Mom might disagree, and that's totally fine.) This mother's story is one of longing to see her daughter have friends and be content in the person she is. She sees that her daughter is tall and beautiful, but her daughter sees only herself as a person who towers over the other girls and that creates differences among her friends-as if they can't relate. She sees a girl who isn't a cheerleader, like all of her old friends from elementary school, and that makes her left out. This mother watches as her daughter tries to fit in with everyone around her, while still trying to cling to the person she is deep down. This daughter has played with dolls just yesterday, and now she walks into school and other girls are wearing this paint stuff on their faces and holding the hands of boys. "What is this?" she asks. She finds "youth" group settings overwhelming and intimidating instead of a safe place, a heaven. Why is sixth grade so hard? Or all of middle school, for that fact. I don't even remember my seventh grade year. Yeah, I guess it was that bad. I remember praying repeatedly for God to send me a new friend. Every time a new person moved onto our street, or when a new school year began, or a new visitor to our Sunday school class, I would hope for that person to be a new friend that would be as close as Lucy and Ethel or Anne Shirley and Diana Barry. For years. I finally learned that God had me where I was for a purpose and I had to love the people He had placed in my life, and cling to Him. He finally did send me a new friend in 10th grade, and my life has been so blessed by her, but I had to wait on Him for a while. God has placed wonderful people in my life over the years for a purpose. I know that the hard times come and we get through awkward stages, but how does that help us when we're in that situation? How does an eleven-year-old get convinced that she is special and not too young to be used by God? I wish that I could just tell every girl that they are loved and beautiful. I wish I could tell them that other people's opinions don't matter because in the end we are daughters of a King and He says we are His. I wish I could lay it out to girls so simply and they would grasp it. I wish I could reassure them that Jesus' love really is enough. How do I teach them those lessons that I had to learn by simply giving them words? Some lessons just have to be lived out; they have to grasp it for themselves. (Not to say that I shouldn't try to tell them things, but I can't force anyone to know something.)
My heart was broken many times last weekend, as well. I worked a Disciple Now at my home church. Let me just say that God showed up in unimaginable ways and did things that can't even be described! I had the opportunity to lead the senior girls with Amy, my best friend. We have known these girls for a very long time. Amy and I and two of our other friends lead a middle school girls Bible study our 11th grade year when these girls were in 8th grade. We've sort of had a special bond with the girls, so for us to be leading their last D'Now was wonderful. We did have a bunch of new girls that we hadn't met before, which was really good. I had been praying for the weekend since I was asked to lead a group. I brought about twelve of my college friends to help out, as well. The few weeks before D'Now, I was in the high school worship service, and watched the apathy that the kids had about worship. It was quite sad and a bit frustrating, watching the band and youth pastor work hard to share God's love and Good News with students that weren't receptive. The week right before D'Now, there seemed to be a few glimpses of excitement for worship. It was as if they had begun to catch onto the purpose of worship. My prayer, as I went back to school for a week, was that the upcoming weekend would be an overflow of that glimpse of excitement, that God would do big things and move in a mighty way. As the weekend approached, my week of school was very stressful week between studying and getting 12 people to Frisco. But here’s the thing: God is faithful. He answered every one of my prayers, tenfold. For example, I was constantly making a to-do list throughout the week. The moment I would start feeling overwhelmed by the list and would give it to God; He would cross things off my list. Things worked out in ways that I would have never thought for them to. As we get to Frisco, the excitement of the weekend rises and the craziness of all first night retreats begin! The theme of the weekend was How to Read the Bible. Here's where the heartbreak kicks in: We were discussing in our small group how often we read the Bible and why don't we read it more often. Well, most of the girls were saying how they were busy and there's TV to watch, people to see, and homework to do. Typical responses. One of our precious girls pipes up and tells us, nonchalantly, that it is inconvenient for her to read the Bible. Wait, what?? I think I almost cried. Lord, please may I never say that reading your Word is inconvenient! There were other such responses, and drama, and p.d.a. (public displays of affection) that we had to put up with throughout the weekend. God moved in mighty ways. Through much prayer, I believe we made it through. I haven't felt God's presence as close as I did that weekend. It was a beautiful, beautiful thing. My heart was broken for this youth group to grow to love God’s Word as I have, and more. I wish that I could make them love it like I have, but it is one of those things that they have to learn for themselves. They have to open it and read of its richness to truly understand. My prayer is that they youth of FBC Frisco will be so overwhelmed with God’s love and grace that they will be unified and spread Jesus to their community.
Three quick highlights, and then I'll stop rambling:
1. Saturday night, our speaker gave the challenge to read the Bible more, or to accept Christ, etc. and all of the leaders stepped out so the students could find us if they needed to. As us leaders were praying over the students and the music was playing, I look out over the sanctuary and can just feel and taste and see the Spirit of God there. This verse was so visible and kept playing in my head at that moment: Hebrews 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
Needless to say, it was a glorious moment!
2. During that invitation time, two of our girls who had been absolute best friends had a huge fight back in August. Well, I sat in between them during the sermon, and felt quite awkward, but as the invitation came, I walked out of our seats, and looked back and the girls were talking! Like pouring-your-heart-out, talking. It may seem insignificant, but I know how miserable I would be if I didn't have my best friend around senior year because it is such a huge transition time, and to lose that friendship for these girls would have been tragic.
3. My brother's Sunday school class has been lacking in the depth area, and they boys don't learn anything. They aren't being challenged to grow spiritually from their Sunday school teachers. This has been a problem for a few years. This weekend their leader was my good friend, Alex. I saw Brandon after our first home-small group, and he asked me what we did when we went back to the house. I said we did some ice breakers and talked about why we don't read the Bible, and just had a small group. I asked him what they did, expecting him to say that they just goofed off and were typical 11th graders, but he didn't. He said they talked for two hours about various topics. He basically said that Alex preached at them, but that it was really good stuff! He later told me that they were challenged a lot this weekend. It is so amazing to see God answer prayer!
As I close, I apologize for the delay in posts. Maybe this blog will once again become a fun part of my weeks. :-)
I would love to challenge you to watch what is said to people. You never know what 6th grade, insecure girl is listening and being hurt by telling her that she is so tall for her age... I pray that I can be an encouragement more than a hindrance in every situation. I encourage you to dare to live your life boldly and to look for God's faithfulness. It's everywhere, and so very sweet!
A part of me wishes we could discuss these things over coffee and so then I could hear what God is doing in your lives, but dear reader, I suppose that day will come. He's doing big things in mine, and it's exciting. I hope that's true for you as well.
To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.
-Jude 24-25
